Into the Woods
My name is Thumper Edwards.
Let's talk! I like talking and
I'll probably like you, too!
17 | Junior | 711B
(x)
Thumper’s hi and his hand on Bambi’s arm left Bambi feeling breathless. What was he supposed to say or do? Normally, he was just himself around Thumper and that was fine. But now he felt awkward and clueless; really, that’s how he felt all of the time but not usually in the company of this boy. And that uncertainty seemed to be shared by Thumper which only served to make Bambi feel even more disjointed. Thumper’s cracked question confused him. Was everything okay? Did he mean the fall or- Bambi was just putting too much thought into it, surely. He did that a lot. “Everything’s fine. It was just a fall, that’s all.” He shook his head before repeating himself, though he wasn’t even sure why. “It was just a fall.”
Their hug was brisk and Thumper’s words hung around in his brain. I missed you too. Bambi was a horrible, horrible human being. It was the only answer that made sense in his mind as to why he hadn’t made more of an effort to talk to his own boyfriend. He had wrapped himself up in his fears and insecurities and yet again he had hurt somebody else by doing so. Thumper deserved a helluva lot better than that, than him. The question being asked again made his brows furrow and he shook his head because he didn’t understand. “I’m just clumsy. It’s…we should probably go somewhere, yeah? Unless you wanted to camp out in front of my room.” It was an abrupt change of subject but it was now occurring to him that the two of them probably looked ridiculous just sitting in front of his door. And who knew? Perhaps a change of scenery would help him feel less…odd.
“No — no,” Thumper shook his head quickly, minutely. “Well, yes, I meant with the— erm, with the fall, but you… you seem a bit off, too,” he tried to explain, picking uselessly as a loose thread on his pants, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth; his heart stuttering nervously in his chest. “I haven’t seen you in awhile,” Thumper added softly, ducking his head as his face colored, a soft pink travelling across his cheekbones. Something felt off-kilter, unsteady, not quite right, and it had Thumper worried. Thumper didn’t have many people in his life, his parents didn’t care all that much about him and his friends were few and far between, but Bambi was starting to feel more like a constant to him — a steady reassurance — and the wavering air between them left Thumper feeling on edge, shaky, scared.
“I — sure,” Thumper nodded, assuming that this was it. Bambi was going to lead him somewhere outside — maybe the cafe where they first really spoke and where they came back together — and tell Thumper that this, them, wasn’t as enduring as Thumper thought it would be; that he was graduating and he didn’t need a curly-headed, hyperactive boy from New York keeping him back from whatever he wanted to achieve. And Thumper got that, he did, but it didn’t stop the inevitable from hurting any less, it didn’t make the ‘I love you’ he whispered into Bambi’s skin untrue, because it was genuine and Thumper had a feeling that it very well always would be, and the thought that Bambi might not have meant it as much as Thumper did sent a sharp sting to his gut; a resounding, dull ache in the pit of Thumper’s stomach that nagged and clawed as he shakily got to his feet, holding out his hand to help Bambi up. “Um, lead the way.”
Maybe Bambi had hit his head harder than he had thought. Because surely Thumper’s voice could only be existing in his mind right now and not actually be happening in reality. Surely he had just bumped his head too hard and was imagining things now. Though it certainly wasn’t a terrible thing to conjure, not in the slightest, Bambi just knew it wasn’t real so it disappointed him. It was the fingers on the back of his neck that alerted him to the fact that this was not a mirage and was indeed occurring in this very moment. Which meant he was laying face down on the carpet in front of his dorm room looking like a total fool to his boyfriend who he hadn’t spoken to in what felt like forever. Great.
Bambi rolled himself over, not even bothering to sit up right away. Why would he? He already looked like an idiot to Thumper; what else could he possibly do make things any worse? He was an incredibly selfish human being and he could see that reflected back at him in Thumper’s blue eyes. Bambi was dealing with a lot of issues, yes, but he had been neglecting his friends and Thumper in the process which made him self-involved and a big jerk. This was incentive enough to crawl back into his room with his tail in-between his legs so to speak but that would again be a selfish thing to do. No, he owed it to Thumper to talk to him. So, after clearing his throat, he managed a, “Hi.”
Obviously, that wasn’t enough but he doubted he’d ever be able to do enough to make-up for all the things he had unintentionally put Thumper through. Bambi should just be single the rest of his life; clearly, he failed as a boyfriend every time he attempted it. Finally, Bambi forced himself to sit up so their faces were at the same level now. He still wasn’t sure of what to say but being this close to the boy again made him automatically want to pull him into a hug, which he did with one arm so he could balance on his free one. A hug was okay…right? He couldn’t very well take it back now. “I missed you,” he admitted honestly because it was all he had to give right now.
As Bambi shifted, Thumper’s hand moved to the side of his neck; his fingers dragging across the smooth, warm skin, his thumb brushing the underside of Bambi’s jaw. “Hi,” Thumper answered instinctively, smiling slightly at Bambi’s disheveled appearance; his lips quirking up at their corners. Thumper slid his hand down to Bambi’s bicep, giving him a quick squeeze there before pulling away slightly; unsure of how to proceed, of what to say, of what to expect, of why his boyfriend was currently on the floor in the middle of a corridor with that sad look in his eyes that caused something to sink in Thumper’s gut from the sight.
“Is everything o-okay?” Thumper asked, his voice cracking slightly on the last word as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. He backed away slightly as Bambi sat up, to give him space, stiffening slightly in surprise when he pulled Thumper into a one-armed hug, but his arms coming up automatically to return the embrace; squeezing his eyes tight at Bambi’s words and hoping selfishly that they were true. “I missed you, too,” Thumper returned, brushing his lips against Bambi’s temple quickly before pulling away, rocking back on his heels and clearing his throat.
“Are you— what happened?” He asked, his fingers curling around his knees, digging into the denim of his jeans, and resisting the urge to reach out and pat down the few tufts of hair that were sticking up every which way as a result of Bambi’s fall.
He was doing it again; that thing where he’d get scared and retreat into himself. Bambi could recognize it now for what it was but it didn’t really change the fact that time and time again he found himself alone. He was being an awful friend, a horrid boyfriend too, but every time he wanted to force himself to go out, he’d feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming on and back under the covers he went. It was such a stupid fear but that didn’t make it any less real to Bambi. He wanted someone to tell him it was all going to be alright while simultaneously wanting to hide from everybody. In short, Bambi was just a mess.
Today was a little different though. Today, he was determined to make it out of his room for something other than class. Bambi had his shoes on and his cellphone in his pocket; he was all ready to go. It was just a matter of actually doing it. He shoved himself off of his bed and waited. So far, so good. He took a few tentative steps towards his door. Other than the accelerated heart rate and the sweaty palms, it was going well. Bambi’s hand grabbed the doorknob. He couldn’t breathe normally but it was okay; he could still do this. He twisted the doorknob and quickly barreled out into the hallway before he had the chance to think on it. Everything looked fuzzy to him but he did it. He was out of his room. This was progress! In his rare moment of pride, Bambi turned to walk down the Senior hallway but only ended up tripping over his own feet and face-planting on the hard floor. Way to go, Bambi.
Thumper liked to pride himself with his ability to make many situations a positive one— at least for himself, managing to conjure a smile on his own face when the world seemed determined to make it a frown. He didn’t have much experience with making other’s happy. When he was home, he fed his cat to keep it content and did his chores to keep his parents pleased, but he never found himself in a situation where he completely altered someone’s mood; made their day just a little bit better. Every once in a while he thought that maybe, possibly, he did that for Bambi; that his presence had some sort of positive impact on his boyfriend’s mood, but recently Thumper had the feeling that he didn’t do all that much, that he wasn’t very helpful, that he was as useless that his parents seemed to always insinuate he was. And it didn’t hurt as much as it did disappoint him, because he really thought he was doing better; that he had some sort of purpose, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that he didn’t.
It was a quiet day when he decided to venture towards the Senior hallway, to face Bambi first and, if he was going to break up with Thumper, get it over all that much faster, because Bambi was graduating and Thumper wasn’t and couldn’t make Bambi happy, so it only made sense, really, despite the words that were said and that night in Bambi’s room because apparently it all amounted to nothing— well, at least not to Thumper, because that three-word sentence still rang true and hummed through his entire being. But he hadn’t seen Bambi in days— hadn’t spoken to him in days— so he thought it was a safe assumption that maybe he had changed his mind about Thumper and, in the end, Thumper couldn’t really blame Bambi for that if it were true. He was turning the corner when he heard the loud thump, resounding off the walls, Thumper hurried his steps in search of the source of the sound, and to see if the person was alright, before stopping short when he saw a familiar head of fluffy, brown hair, face-down against the floor. Thumper’s eyes widened as he quickly made his way to Bambi’s side, crouching down and placing his hand gently on the back of the older boy’s neck, trying to urge Bambi to roll over with the press of his fingers. “Are— are you all right?” he asked, concern laced in his voice. “What happened?
